When Technology Attacks!
6 August 2001
It happens when you least expect it. You're just mozying around, surfin' the Internet, when all of a sudden, CRASH!--you're offline! Or you're working on a term paper for that all-important Civ class--the power goes out. Or, even worse, your friend is using your computer to do her homework for the computer class you're both in, she goes to check it out on Print Preview before she saves, and what happens? You got it--the goofy thing freezes up. Two hours of work, all for naught. Or you could be doing what I was doing, just playing around and finding elusive, rare items on your favorite virtual pet site, when the entire site crashes and you have to leave. The phenomenon isn't limited to computers, though. I have a Nintendo game, Final Fantasy 3, which has a peculiar habit of locking up in the middle of battles. I'd played through the game three times before it started doing that, and it did give me an unexpected gift (at least one of every item in the game), but for the love of Mike! Must it be so...obstinate?
Oh, yes, in the course of my lifetime I've become intimately acquainted with technology and its numerous advantages. I've taken advantage of the Internet and e-mail and lovely inkjet printers and even lovelier laser printers, thanks to the school's computer lab. I enjoy my random surfings and I love being able to keep in touch with my out-of-state friends without spending 34 cents for a stamp. Plus, I am the first to admit that I am completely and throughly technology-dependent. If it plugs in, chances are we've got one, except a DVD player--don't have that yet. (I don't know how those Survivor folks do it. I'm just waiting for someone to bring a Palm Pilot as their luxury item.)
Unfortunately, I've also become intimately acquainted with technology's equally numerous disadvantages. When I first got my computer, the Microsoft Mobile, it did really stupid things. It ate my papers--text would disappear right off the screen as I typed--and crashed and locked up. For the first month I hauled it back and forth, to and from the place where I bought the thing, until they finally discovered that the motherboard was defective. It was still under warranty, so they replaced the motherboard and transferred all my stuff and it did not cost me an arm and a leg. If it weren't for that beautiful, magnificent warranty, we'd have had a problem.
As for my parents getting online, well, that took a week. I suppose we shouldn't have been trying to put AOL on an 8-year-old computer, but doggone it, they (my parents) didn't want to spend a bunch of money on a new one. After a weeklong saga, during which we discovered that our dear old computer just wasn't upgradeable anymore, they gave in and bought a new one. We were online in ten minutes.
I could tell you many more stories of high-tech woes, and they'd all be from personal experience, but it all leads to this one intriguing and desperate question: Why does technology attack? It's like it just knows! It knows when you're playing and when you're doing serious stuff. It knows when you've saved and when you haven't. Most important, it has the ability to attract powerful allies to its cause...like nature. Every time I had to do a history paper for my Civ class, we had tornadoes. Big ones. It was very strange, very destructive, and very unnerving. I am afraid of tornadoes.
But I digress. I think the reason technology attacks is this: it is possessed. Electronic demons inhabit computers and make them do goofy things when you need them the most. These little e-demons think things like, "Oh, she did it again. She's typing the final draft of her paper the night before it's due, against her better judgment. Let's teach her a little lesson." Or: "Oooooooh, look! She's trying to check her e-mail. Heh, heh, heh...she only thinks her inbox is going to let her in!" Stuff like that. Then, when they can't cause enough mischief on their own, they summon help.
Now, if you don't know me, you're probably thinking, "Does she really believe this?" Heck, yeah, I believe it! I have seen computers lock up during saving, turn themselves back on after being shut down, and crash while installing software (you better believe I had my fingers crossed when I upgraded my operating system!). I've even had video tapes erase themselves...and the programs reappear on the tape months later. I am convinced that they are either possessed, or artificial intelligence has gotten a little too intelligent. Either way, it always knows...and it will ALWAYS use its knowledge of the user to its advantage. So: treat your technology as you would want it to treat you, and remember to save often and back up important stuff on disk. Then you'll be safe.
That's my story and I'm sticking with it.
